Monday, July 26, 2010

Monday's Meditations: Decisions

For every action, there is a reaction. For every too there is a fro. For every decision there are rewards or consequences.

What happens when you make the same decision as someone else, but with an extremely different outcome?

This past Friday, the 23rd, my dad would've celebrated his 58th birthday.

But 14 1/2 years ago to the day he lost the chance to celebrate anymore birthdays. I don't like to dwell on these types of days and they usually pass by with little notice. Or if I do notice, I really don't bring notice to it. I'm one of many who have lost a loved one. And through all of it I know how absolutely blessed I am to have had 10 short years with my dad, and know I'm even more blessed to have an amazing step-father.

Many years ago my father made a decision. A decision to leave his wife and children to live a very different lifestyle. My dad chose homosexuality. I'm not sure what his reward for this decision was, but I know the consequences have taken their toll on everyone involved.

Obviously those consequences resulted in disappointment from family members, limited time with his children, AIDS/HIV, and ultimately... death.

To say that this wasn't devastating would be a lie. But I truly think that my family is tight knit and stronger because of his decisions. We are more accepting of others. We are able to share emotion freely and able to talk about difficult things. Those are some of the rewards amongst all the struggle.

But I guess my question is what about  other men, who made the same choices and decisions, who've reaped some of the same consequences... and yet they have lived through it all.  The reason I'm even contemplating any of this, is because of an article I found on CNN.

It got me wondering why things just turn out so differently for what you think should be happening. That's not to say I'd want any of these men dead... but at the same time I couldn't help but wonder why they weren't and my dad is!

These men made similar choices to my fathers. These men have lived with AIDS/HIV for 30 years. Some of them have had numerous surgeries, been on numerous drugs and medicines. But the fact remains, they have LIVED. While my father had months... they have had years!

I guess I'm just interested in and amazed at how life paths can all seem so similar, and yet they turn out unsimilar 

What small difference in each of these men's lives added up to the result in an early death for some, and long lives for others?

Now granted, I don't know that the quality of life of some of these men is all that fantastic. But it's still hard for me to comprehend how they can live with such a horrible virus for so long, when we saw it eat my father away in just weeks.

Decisions in life can be really small and simple, and some can really change our lives and those around us. I just never really thought before how seemingly similar life decision can have such different results from those around us.

And to be honest... that's what I enjoy about life. I like that we are all different. I like that a good decision for someone else, might be a terrible one for me. It's what keeps things interesting and really makes me think about how I was created so perfectly unique. 

But it also gets me wondering to whether I put enough thought into some of my decisions. Do I really think about who I may effect? Do I think of the rewards or consequences enough?

Do you think about decisions too much or too little?

* this post isn't meant to be depressing or a "pity me" post in any way... it's more the circumstances just kind of came together and got me to thinking about this crazy thing we call life :) *


Laura said...

Oh Sara, thanks for opening up to us who read this. I still remember in 4th grade when you were called out of class, into the hallway. We knew something was up. I'm sorry for your loss, but also so happy that you have a positive outlook on life and relationships despite that. I'm really happy that you cherish your stepdad so much too.

Anonymous said...

Beautiful post. I admire you for writing and being real about the way you're processing life. Keep it up!