I remember various points in my life feeling like I couldn't wait for the next step or for the next thing to happen. Getting a driver's license, going to Spain, graduation, college, college graduation, marriage, moving to South Korea. All of these moments I felt the need to keep pressing, to get their quicker, to move on with life. But I always felt I was living my life during these moments. I was accomplishing something, meeting goals, growing and learning, and I felt really focused.
And now after all that waiting, speeding things up , and hurrying to get to where I am... I find myself completely stuck, stagnant, and slightly lost. Now that we are in Korea and we are finally here starting our life together I feel that I've hit a massive road block in life.
*Disclaimer: To clarify... this post has absolutely NOTHING to do with my thoughts/ feelings towards Jon. I love him and honestly don't know what I'd do with out him. I feel like we've grown in our relationship and we've really made a solid base and established ourselves as a couple.*
I feel as though I'm just waiting for life to start back up again when we get back to the states. Like life isn't really happening here, and that while everyone else's lives are moving forward and onward, mine is just stagnant... and getting murky. I don't feel as though I'm growing, learning, or accomplishing anything ( which is absolute torture for someone who happens to thrive on accomplishments and goals).
And this is the worst part... I know I should be experiencing life to the fullest while I'm here! I mean this is a once in a lifetime opportunity and here I am saying how my life is at a standstill! What am I thinking!? No, seriously... I'd like an answer. I can't seem to figure it out, I know I'll miss this when I'm gone, and I'm sure I'll regret the fact that I did feel this way while I'm over here. But it doesn't make a difference. Sad to say but in Korea I don't really feel a purpose or a calling. I love the students and my teachers, but I don't feel I have purpose in their lives. *Sigh* I need help, I need wisdom, I need guidance... but more importantly I need God.
My relationship with him as been at a complete standstill as well, and I'm 100% positive that the way I'm feeling about life is a direct result of my relationship with my creator, the one who gives me purpose and created me to live life to the fullest. I need to get back to that place of joy and peace. I need to clear the overgrown brush that has been separating our path to one another.
The hard part is I know it's up to me, I know God's just waiting there for me on the other side and I'm the one that really needs to pursue and get there. I need motivation and I need accountability. So I'm asking you, dear reader, keep me accountable. Challenge me, encourage me, and be patient with me.
I know it's a season in life, and it will all soon change, but I want to make sure I appreciate this season and not let it become a season of bitterness, and being stagnant. It's time to turn over a new leaf and start living life!
2 comments:
Oh Sara, I know that feeling allllll too well. I've felt it, lived it, and sometimes, still feel that way! Actually, just this week I felt like that. I don't know how to fix it, to solve it, or to make it go away; I'd do it to myself if I knew how. All I know is that I felt the same way toward the end of living in Hawaii - excited for Matt to be done with the Marines, to go home and start life there. Now that we're here, we miss Hawaii every day. I knew this would happen, and sure enough, it did. So I can't really give you advice on that part, except the fact that you realize it might make it a tiny bit easier to force yourself to get out and around and experience it while you're there. As far as the relationship with God goes, I'm there too. I've started to teach the 6th graders at church, in hopes of spiking my own relationship. Baby steps in the right direction. Lent is coming up - I'm going to dive into scripture and hope to deepen things that way. Baby steps, that's what I keep telling myself. We can keep each other accountable!
Good post, dear. I love your honesty and your ability to really, truly express how you're feeling. And not only that you can do so in such a succinct manner, but that you are willing to share all the ups and downs with friends.
I hear what you're saying as well... Although my own stagnant experiences were different in their own way, your words connect with my own past in some way.
As an atheist, I don't connect with your feelings of distance from a god, but I *do* remember, all too clearly, the loss of self I felt when at times I was unable to feel the spark for life, experience and loving everyone around me. It's tough... but you WILL get through it. What worked for me was challenging myself with new and different experiences. Finding something new to get invovled with- be it a group of people, or an activity, or a side project, etc.- that gives you one more reason to smile when you wake up and think about your day.
When you challenge yourself, you're bound to grow.
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